Phlegming In Public Pools

A cold is an evil little bug that has no peers when it comes to nasty. It has to be the meanest, rottenest, vilest creature on earth. I give it that title because since mankind began, no effort from all humanity has succeeded in ridding the world of this costly and destructive pest. Consider what mankind has achieved. People have walked on the face of the moon. We’ve probed outer, outer space and can see what is out there. We’ve found the cure to many deadly diseases. We’ve cloned animals. We’ve spanned vast bodies of water with bridges. We’ve explored miles into the earth and oceans. We’ve made machines that fly and perform tasks like human beings. We talk to each other, and see each other from thousands of miles away. We transplant hearts and hands. We’re pretty smart beings. But that danged little bug has us in its control.
My husband Paul and I have been dealing with colds for over three weeks now. He has a week’s head start on me. Since the bug moved into our lives I estimate we have spent $10 on tissues, $6 on extra toilet paper (we use it when tissues aren’t right at hand), $68 on over the counter meds (antihistamines, decongestants, sore throat lozenges, cough meds, achy muscles, etc), $12 vitamin C, $13 juices, $5 anti germ gel. That’s $114, a conservative estimate and we are still not well.

WARNING: THE FOLLOWING IS YUKKY. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK

Let me just say upfront, in my opinion, phlegm is as gross or grosser than anything that can exit from the human body. It is why I hate going out in public with a cold. It isn’t something that’s going to kill me but it is an embarrassing condition. Like gas, its expressions are so rude. Hearing myself blow my nose makes me cringe. Hearing someone else blow their nose makes me wince more. However, much worse than that is hearing someone (usually a child) sniff a loaded nose up instead of blowing it out. That gives me a stomach churn. Next on the list of cold gross outs is hearing someone cough up some phlegm. That gives me a double churn. If they don’t take out a tissue or hanky and put it to their mouth after such a cough, I know they have swallowed what they coughed up. That puts my stomach in complete rebellion and ready to reject something of its own. The absolute worse cold gross out is hearing someone go after a deep pool of thick nasty phlegm with every ounce of hack strength they can gather, then wait for their choice of disposal. Oh, mercy me, my stomach is now totally grossed out. Nothing is worse than this, EXCEPT, when I have a chest and head full of phlegm to deal with.
Just what is the etiquette for dealing with cold issues? As nice as it would be for everyone to be able to stay home until a cold is completely over, it just isn’t reality. So what do we do with our sneezing, coughing, spitting selves when in public? I pack a gazillion tissues in my purse. When I sneeze one goes to my nose and mouth to wipe every bit of expulsion. Often it takes two. When I cough I do the same thing. What’s difficult is when a cough brings up “material” only part way into the throat. I cannot stand to swallow it back down and I cannot bear to make the sound that would bring it all the way up into my tissue. I’m stuck with coughing small coughs while fighting the natural impulse to swallow. If the swallowing mechanism wins, I am in danger of really gagging without control. That is a terrible expression of sight and sound in public. Ugh, what to do, what to do.
What do people like Hillary Clinton and Michelle O’Bama do when they have colds? What does someone like Prince Philip or his wife do if they cough up phlegm in public? Do they have people at hand to wipe their noses for them? Are they allowed to spit the nasty stuff up? Can they hock it up into a tissue if they stick their pinkies out? They probably don’t use tissues. They probably have a dozen royal hankies at hand at all times. I’m sure it is one use only per hanky. What about Angelina Jolie? Can you see her spitting out phlegm? There are some people I’d love to give a cold to. Can you see Bin Laden with a cold? I’ll bet he uses his beard as a hanky. It probably gets stiff from a runny nose. You might think its ice, but it snot. Tee hee.