For the past 30 years something strange has been happening. I’ve noticed with each birthday I’ve lost more and more of myself. I’m at the point now that my body has been completely replaced by one someone else must have thrown out. And much of my mind is missing.
I first noticed a change in my body after my second child was born and I wasn’t able to wear my pre pregnancy clothes home from the hospital as I did after my first child was born two years earlier. About 18 months later when I retired my milk factories, they just hung around instead of taking their former places. Also, my body’s baby bed didn’t go all the way back to the wall as it had before. So I had to scoot it back a bit at a time with sit ups. This is about as much fun as hemorrhoids (which can be the result of giving birth then doing sit-ups).
After the torture (only terrorists should experience) of having hemorrhoids removed, one avoids all strenuous pushing. That led to other unpleasant issues which led to…. strenuous pushing. Then, unexpectedly, the baby mechanisms were called back into duty. This time nothing even attempted to return to pre pregnancy form. But, with three kids and a dog to chase and a house to keep I was able to take off the extra pounds and end up with the right weight even if it was redistributed downward.
It was about this time I noticed some new coloring on my skin. Freckles started appearing on my arms, legs, hands and face. Being a sun lover, that wasn’t too surprising. But along with the freckles there were these white, pigment-free spots. It was as though the color from these spots had left there and moved next door to join the pigment there creating bigger darker freckles. As time went on I became a brown and white speckled creature sort of like a baby bird.
Next I noticed white showing up on my head. Mixed in with my brown silky tresses were white course ones. Slowly my head was becoming a dish scrubbing pad. And my eyebrows were turning so long, white and course I needed wire cutters to trim them.
If that weren’t bad enough, hair stopped growing from the outer part of my brow. I was left with brows above just the inner half of my eyes. This means I have to do something I swore I would never do; pencil in fake brows to complete the line. It doesn’t matter how good an artist you are, you aren’t going to fool anyone. No brow pencil is your exact color or three dimensional. I have seen this look on women of a certain age all my life and always shake my head at their futility and bad taste. Now I know why they do it. As ridiculous as it looks, it’s better than being a half-brow. Half-brows can give wrong messages with their facial expressions, kind of like signaling with half the flags or smoke you need. You might be pulling an, “I’m really interested in what you’re saying” look, but with your half-brows it looks like, “If you don’t shut up I’m going to wrap your tongue around you uvula.”
Cruelly, after my brows became half-growers, my chin picked up what my brows dropped! One day I was looking in the mirror sideways and saw a long hair on my chin. I reached up to brush it off believing it to be a stray from my scalp. But it wouldn’t brush. It was attached! Apoplectic, I grabbed my tweezers and yanked that thing like a skunk in church, but, to my dismay, more cropped up over the weeks that followed. Now I must diligently peruse a small patch on my chin and pick any unwanted crop growing there.
As the general downward slide progressed it widened my body and rounded my face. Places that curved inward straightened and some went even further and curved out. I began to think I was melting during the night. I had begun to have night sweats so bad I would launch the covers up and over my husband onto the floor on his side. He would soon be awakened by his own rattling bones and wonder how all the blankets had ended up on the floor. After a few time of this he finally woke up during one of my launches and questioned why I didn’t just quietly pull them off myself. Not being cognizant enough to give an intelligent answer clued me onto the loss of brain cells. Evidently they were leaking out when my wiry hair pushed out my silky hair. I soon became aware of times when I couldn’t remember what had taken place the day before. I couldn’t find anything, including words. I’d have to stop in the middle of a sentence to search of a name or word I knew two moments before. It was like they skittered away and hid just to torment me.
So, I’ve been melting for a long time now. My body looks very much like an often used candle. Wax has run down the sides and left bumpy lumps all around. My brain matter has melted and pooled at the bottom of the candle. I’m no longer tall and tapered and elegant. I’m short, misshaped and bumpy. I’ll soon be able to tie my cheeks under my chin and use them as neck warmers. And if I want to measure myself for a new bra, I’ll have to take my socks off!
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Wow-that is so awful! I had hemmoroid surgery in Dr. Barnes Office years ago and about died. He put silver nitrate in them to help with the pain and that made it worse. Had to miss Cosmetology school for 2 weeks over all that and standing on my feet is what them to start in with!As far as the chin hair, I don't have that prob, but my eyebrows are so light I can't even see them so I use both a pencil and that old fashioned Maybelline stuff with a lil brush to do mine. It may look horrid, but I am a horrid person so I live with it. :)) My weight is still real good--it has just gone to the wrong places, but overall, it's ok! :) I thoughtly enjoy your blog--if I am having a bad day I always look at it and Laugh!
ReplyDeleteSeriously laughing so hard I had tears.
ReplyDeleteExtra funny because I was just plucking a hair from my chinny-chin-chin not five minutes ago. Glad to know I'm in good company.
:)